one sweet B

Today is this lady's birthday.

Happy Birthday!

My Girl Crush

I'm very excited for the film 500 Days of Summer—and not because it features the dude from Ten Things I Hate About You (completely underrated film). The truth is, I am sorta head over heels for Zooey Deschanel. Her little vintage dresses and bangs and tap dancing never fail to put a smile on my face. Sure, you can write her off as just another hipster celebrity, but in my opinion, she's a ukelele-playing, red lipstick-wearing hottie whose quirkiness seems completely for real.

I also get all dreamy when I hear her singing. She & Him Vol. 1 is one of my favorite albums of 2008. Not to mention her version of "Baby It's Cold Outside" from Elf. Damn!

Zooey, in all your perfectness, this post is for you!

 

Dropping some heart science

I haven't posted here in a very long while. A lot of things have been going on inside my head lately; maybe it has something to do with turning thirty soon. I don't know. Anyway, this is an excerpt from an email I just sent someone.

Last night I couldn't sleep. I put on Sigur Ros, the record with the symbols { }, and it was so beautiful, and I started thinking about what you said the other night, that love is the only thing we have.

For the past few years I've tried to force myself to stop believing in love. It seemed like this eternal paradox whose sole purpose was to torture us humans wriggling round Earth. I didn't understand if love was supposed to be something wild and crazy that completely consumes you, or something calm and sort of comforting and mundane. I knew I had loved and been in love, but at the same time I still felt completely lost, like this fundamental human connection was baffling to me and only me.

I remember struggling with these issues last year when I was ending my relationship. At one point, being in my bed and just praying to I don't know who or whom, for someone to tell me what to do, to give me some sort of answer. Praying, for me, is an odd thing. I haven't felt any meaningful connection with God for so long that it was a sort of symbolic throwing in of the towel, if you will. A last-ditch effort. And that night I had a dream, and in that dream I was on a train with E. I turned to him and said, "What is real love supposed to feel like?" And he smiled and said, "You know already. It feels like this." Then he touched me and I was immediately filled with the most wonderful, calm, peaceful feeling . . . like a warmth or sort of light radiating through me. I can't even describe it. But I knew it. I knew that was love. And I woke up.

So anyway, last night, struggling under the weight of Tylenol PM, I remembered that. Sometimes I think the point of all this mess is to keep fighting to uncover love no matter how many times you are stung. In all its forms. Is that what E.M. Forster meant with "Only connect"?

I have no idea what I'm writing all of this to you, but I just felt like it. Someday I will stop communicating in fragments.

One day away

I do love leaving here. We got outta town on Thursday to visit our friends Susan and her Boo John who were visiting their friend in San Diego. Got all that? It gets more complicated because we sat by the beach, went to Whole Foods, and then made sushi. 

Suze and John

This occupied us for at least an hour

Sushi is made like this......
Yes. We have the same sunglasses.

We had a great day!

UO Fall 08

Jezebel did a really funny write up on the new Urban outfitters catalog.

You should check it out.

That said, Patrick and I have been planning our annual much needed trip to Urban's . We will bitch and complain about the lack of quality amongst the clothes, roll our eyes at the loud annoying music and disapprovingly shake our heads at the over- trended 19 year old sales associates.  I can't wait!

jobsjobsjobs

I just got back from another job interview. The company is a huge design firm that creates posters and basically all graphic materials for films. It has a super swazzy three floor office in the CNN building in Hollywood. There were artists and rimmed glasses everywhere. Having submitted so many resumes lately I had no idea what the job position was until I sat down with two ladies and the interview was underway.

They described a variety of duties and tasks that are, what I refer affectionately to as, monkey work.   This work requires someone to be a little hired hand to do all of those things no one else wants to do. I am no stranger to these kinds of jobs. In many ways I have been doing them my whole life. Cleaning up after people, getting people things when they are thirsty or hungry, and pretty much being invisible. I can already envision the numerous times I'd have to tell a superior, "It's Jessica not Jennifer" and the rest of the time when I will just smile and let it go. 

Contrary to my description, this kind of job does not really bother me at all. I had a  good interview and I think they were quite pleased. But in every interview I have encountered, there is that one dreaded question; the question I know they will ask but I wish, and hope, and pray they will not.

"So are you an actor?"

"Well....um, I, moved out here to act, yes, and I have a fine arts degree, a theatre major...and um..."

"But you aren't auditioning, or going out every day, right?"

"Oh, no. No, not at all."

Here s what I really thought:

"Well, it's like this see I worked so hard very hard to get a commercial agent and eventually I did! But I have not been sent out in so long and the industry is in a huge down slide and I can't wait tables anymore I can't! I'm so poor it's too much I can't so I'm trying something new and I'm really scared I made a mistake or failed or something and I love acting but out here it's different it's not fun anymore and I have NO money and I'm just gonna do something else right now I think I guess for awhile and then see but in my heart this question makes me so sad because I want to respond to your question enthusiastically with YES I am an actor but I am in a transitional thing and so umm ummm ummm."

They said they would let me know in a few weeks. So I guess I have a few weeks.

Wednesday night, a few things......

I know she can look a bit scary, and I can't really say I'm an admirer of her clothes, but I really like the American Express commercial with Diane von Furstenberg. I love the music. I love how she takes pictures of the trees. I even love the sound of her warbling accent. It gets to me when she says, "I didn't really know what I wanted to do, but I knew the woman I wanted to become." Maybe it's because of where I'm at right now in my life. I know who I am and what I love to do, but not quite how to put that into something tangible like a job, or a career. It's scary because I'm thinking about jumping into something new, and putting something I have devoted so much of my energy into aside for awhile. Soul searching is a term I abhor but I am searching in a way. I'm looking all around for something and trying to keep my eyes open all the time for whatever it may be. I'm hungry for inspiration, advice, conversations, and insights from poets, writers, models, babies, nature, just about anyone or anything that I feel speaks to me. Because I'm ready for___________ and these days it seems even commercials are speaking to me.